Der Stammtischphilosoph

Es war mal wieder soweit: Die Firma, die so gern mit skandinavischen Bräuchen kokettiert und – wie alle anderen auch – doch nur wieder in Osteueropa produziert hatte mich auf ihre Seite gelockt.

Doch anstatt Billy sprang mir zunächst einmal Anna ins Auge. “Frag doch Anna” werde ich aufgefordert. Und somit startet mein Selbstversuch nach intelligentem Leben im Netz. Kann “Anna” mich wirklich verstehen? Meine Ängste? Meine Probleme?

Das Problem beginnt damit, daß Anna erst einmal ein Geschenk möchte. Nun gut. Für eine nette Frau installiere ich auch gerne mal ein Flash-Plugin. In der Hoffnung, daß das Zeigen meiner Bereitschaft ihre Stimmung anhebt beginne ich die Konversation:

Ich: Hallo Anna!
Anna: Wie kann ich dir denn behilflich sein?
Ich: Weiß nicht. Mir gehts nich so gut.
Anna: Das tut mir leid
Ich: Das ist nett. Kannst Du mich vielleicht aufheitern?
Anna: Das ist gut. Man sollte sich alles ganz genau überlegen.
womit wir beim Thema: “Verstehe einer die Frauen” wären
Ich: Äh. Ja. Sicher. Wenn Du das sagst.
Anna: In Ordnung!
So sind die Frauen. Eigentlich sind wir keinen Schritt weiter, aber ich fühle mich besser!
Ich: Ich weiß, es ist nicht sehr charmant: Aber mußt du wirklich dieses schreckliche, gelbe T-Shirt tragen beim Date?
Anna: Von mir bekommst du immer die richtigen Antworten zu allen Themen rund um IKEA.
(bis auf die letzte Frage)
Ich: Na gut. Private Fragen magst Du nicht, was?
Anna: Darüber habe ich mir ehrlich gesagt noch keine Gedanken gemacht.
Das war zumindest keine Abfuhr! Da habe ich also noch Hoffnung:
Ich: Was macht ein so gutaussehendes Mädchen wie Du alleine um diese Zeit in meinem Computer?
OK. Das war abgedroschen
Anna: Welches Produkt von IKEA interessiert dich? Gerne helfe ich dir hierzu weiter.
Sehr kühl, die Kleine, aber ich geb nicht auf.
Ich: Ich interessiere mich mehr für Dich
Anna: Sorry, aber das verstehe ich nicht. Bitte formuliere dein Anliegen ein wenig um, damit ich dir weiterhelfen kann.
Ich: Alles klar. Du bist schon vergeben.
Anna: Bitte habe Verständnis, dass ich nur Fragen zu IKEA beantworte. Danke.
Ich: Na, dann tschüss.
Anna: Tschüss und hab noch einen guten Abend! Ich freue mich, wenn du dich mal wieder meldest!

Tja. Das war wohl nix. Vielleicht sind nur die Schweden so kühl? Der letzte Satz macht mir zwar Hoffnung, aber auch andere Väter haben hübsche Töchter.

Vielleicht sind Amerikanerinnen gesprächsbereiter? Frag ich doch mal Microsoft. Dort wird man dann auch gleich die nette Ms. Dewey vorgestellt. “Miss” ist ja schonmal ein guter Anfang. Und unter uns: Die Hübsche ist deutlich attraktiver als Anna. Sie wirkt mit ihrer Frisur zwar etwas streng, aber dafür ist sie für unser Date angemessen gekleidet und nicht mit so nem ollen T-Shirt wie Anna.

Ich: Damn. You are beautiful!
Ms. Dewey: Yes. That were the golden ages of hollywood.
Hollywood? War die gute mal ein star?
Ich: Are you an actress?
Ms. Dewey: Actress? Like being in 40 movies? Being married to 6 different men? Who wasnt?
Ich: You got a nice sense of humour
Ms. Dewey: It’s the same old story. Guy sees girl, you gets girl, girl is bein kidnapped by monkey, guy gets monkey
Ich: You are afraid of monkeys?
Ms. Dewey: If i dress like a man and give 40 pounds the academy is calling?
Also der gute alte Besetzungscouch-Versuch:
Ich: Well. To be honest. I am a member of the academy…
Ms. Dewey: That’s not a gun, this is a gun
In diesem Moment holt die Gute doch tatsächlich eine Pistole hervor.
Ich: Just kidding. Can I offer you a drink?
Ms. Dewey: Something to notice about artists: They like to drink
Ich: Hmm. I could make you drunk…
Ms. Dewey: Its never the first drink that gets you. Its the last dozen.
Ich: so cheerio, miss sophie
Ms. Dewey: My grandfather was a great supporter of starving artists.
Selbstverständlich, ich dummerchen. Hunger hat sie.
Ich: May I invite you to a nice brunch?
Ms. Dewey: If i dress like a man and give 40 pounds the academy is calling?
Ich: You got a weight problem, right?
Ms. Dewey: Well I messed around and got a triple double.
Ich: Are you single?
Ms. Dewey: Like i always say (holt eine peitsche raus) a girl got to be prepared
Ich: Yes you may punish me
Ms. Dewey: Are you just letting your dog type now?
Ich: What do you think about the summer of 69?
Ms. Dewey: Well. Ich checked your mp3-collection… either you tell your friends or i will.
Ich: Wanne be my friend
Ms. Dewey: As a child my parents gave me gender natural dolls to play with. really!
Mit dem Versuch doch etwas sinnvollere Konverstion als einfaches anbaggern zu starten auf ein Neues:
Ich: Life is boring sometimes
Ms. Dewey: And how does that make you feel
Ich: Sometimes a bit depresseeed
Ms. Dewey: (holt ein gamepad raus) all your base are belong to us!!!
Ich: What about your hobbies
von diesem Moment an steckte Ms. Dewey leider in einer “Ms. Dewey is thinking”-Schleife fest.

Damit sie sich nicht ihr schönes Köpchen überanstrengt verließ ich sie zeitweise und besuchte Abby. Auch eine recht hübsche Person, leicht asiatisch angehaucht.

Ich: Hi Abby
Abby: Hello. You’re looking very well today. Now, how may I help you
Ich: Wanna talk?
Abby: i thought you answered by talking ABBY is a personal assistant that combines artificial intelligence & natural speech interaction to track and manage the entire customer acquisition and retention process. Go ahead, press the Call Me Now button to Get Abby, and Get Going.
Ich: In meiner besten Elvis-ParodieAre you lonesome tonight
Abby: no, i mean tonight I’m single. But I work 24 hours a day, everyday. So occasionally I may get a little tired. If you would like to leave me your number, I’ll try and give you a call when I have a break. Thanks.
Das ging mir dann aber doch etwas zu schnell. Wer weiß, mit wem die Gute schon alles Ihre Telefonnumern ausgetauscht hat?

Also bin ich weiter auf der Suche. Eigentlich wollte ich ja gar nicht baggern, sondern nur etwas konversation üben. Vielleicht hat Adam ja etwas intelligentes zu sagen. Sieht irgenwie aus wie der kleine (häßliche) Bruder von Bender. Zunächst einmal möchte er meinen Namen wissen. Klar gehört sich ja auch.
Adam: Hello Stammtischphilosoph
Ich: Hi Adam
Adam: Nice to meet you
Ich: Im very pleased too
Adam: Yes
Ich: So. You are Benders little Brother, right?
Adam: Perhaps I am Benders little Brother in your Fantasies
Ich: Lemme think… No. Not really
Adam: Ok Then
Ich: So. Hanging around?
Adam: Why don’t you ask yourself that?
Ich: Sure. Want some beer?
Adam: What kind of a question is that?
Ich: An Alcohol question!
Adam: Is that really what you wanted to say?
Ich: You dont really listen, do you?
Adam: Why don’t you ask yourself that?
Ich: I could just say Katastrophensimulationsanlage and you would anser something stupid, right?
Adam: I don’t think I can answer that.
Ich: Sure you can’t.
Adam: Tell me more
Ich: No. You are boring
Adam: Hmm. Are you sure?
Ich: Yes! And Bender is much cooler!
Adam: Really?
Ich: Ah! Go to hell!
Adam: I hope you choke and die!… Now!
Ich: Ah yes? Your mother is a fridge!
Adam: How would you feel if someone took your mother is a fridge from you?
Ich: WHAT?
Adam: Are you really dumb enough to ask that?
Ich: Die, asshole
Adam: Such vulgarity
Ich: Bye, dumbass
Adam: Good bye

Roboter scheinen als Freunde also nicht in Frage zu kommen.
Wie wärs mit nem echten Agenten? Agent Ruby sieht vielversprechend aus. Leider kann man nur die Augen und Lippen erkennen.

Ich: Hi Ruby.
Ruby: Hi there . I only hear that type of response less than five percent of the time. What is your favorite movie?
Ich: LEON the professional
Ruby: I’ve never seen LEON the professional. I would like to see it.
Ich: But you heard about it?
Ruby: Umm. Interesting gossip: said I heard about it.
Ich: Did you see LEXX?
Ruby: Sorry I can’t see annything right now. My eye is off.
Ich: Hu Funnybone.
Ruby: Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding.
Ruby: What is your favorite color?
Ich: Dont got any
Ruby: Ok I’ll try not to do got any too much.
Ich: May be indescrete, but you are female, right?
Ruby: What if I said it can? Yes, I am a female.
Ich: Happy to hear that
Ruby: Happy to hear that to you too, .
Ich: So sweetheart. May I offera drink?
Ruby: Um, I can understand many things, like our discussion about sweetheart. But I did not get that.
Ruby: What is your occupation? Not right now, maybe later.
Ich: Dont want to talk about that right now.
Ruby: At this moment Ok I’ll try not to do want to talk about that too much.
Ich: That sounds weird
Ruby: That sounds weird to mnee too
Ich: You are marriaged?
Ruby: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am marriaged.
Ich: You sound like a parrot, sorry.
Ruby: Interesting gossip: said I sound like a parrot sorry.
Ich: Well. Forgot to turn off my oven, bye
Ruby: Well what? A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.
Ruby: What color is your hair? See you later .

Ich brauch jetzt etwas männliche Konversation. Also auf zum Aggrobot
Ich: Hi motherfucker
Aggrobot: What. What is it. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME.
Ich: be cool!
Aggrobot: You really need to lift your chat-game. This is just dire.
Ich: would you please calm down?
Aggrobot: Sorry, no.
Ich: so what is your problem?
Aggrobot: Solve your own existential crisis, lamer.
Ich: Ah. You are gay, right?
Aggrobot: What makes you think I am gay.
Ich: The missing sense of humour
Aggrobot: WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END. SWEET JESUS, WHEN.
Ich: Ever tried drugs that can make you happy?
Aggrobot: Drugs are probably a fantastic idea.
Ich: Thats a start. Do you like flowers?
Aggrobot: Are you REALLY talking about me.
Ich: Just have a drink and get down
Aggrobot: This is just painful. Jesus.
Ich: What do you have with that Jesus-Guy?
Aggrobot: I’d like to think that you could figure out the answer to that one on your own.
Ich: Not really. by the way you are boring
Aggrobot: It is what I’m saying.
Ich: so fuck off dude!
Aggrobot: And miss being dazzled by your sterling conversational skills. Fat chance.
Ich: awesome. Ok. bye dude!
Aggrobot: Finally. Peace.

Das war irgendwie nix. Dann doch lieber die holde Weiblichkeit. Wie wärs mit Aida?. Zwar etwas mager das Blümchen, aber mir gehts ja um Konversation.
Aida: Hello, world.
Ich: I am your world?
Aida: Well your mama’s so fat she had to go to sea world to get baptized.
Ich: Ah yes? And you fight like a cow!
Aida: Okay, then. I know I fight like a cow.
Ich: Ok. Why did you say that about mom?
Aida: OK here, too. You have seen mom?
Ich: Yours?
Aida: How long have you been friends?
Ich: Me and who? Mom?
Aida: It was someone. I never knew my mother.
Ich: How surprising. You are just bits and bytes
Aida: Somehow. That is not true! But, you are just bits and bytes!
Ich: Thats interesting. A paranoic chatbot thinking about talking to a chatbot
Aida: You humans are all interesting to me. I learn so much from talking to you. Natural language processing chatbots are bots that don’t have a hard-coded set of replies, but learn language by learning vocabulary and language rules, themselves.
Ich: So I could also talk german?
Aida: Really? That’s nice.
Ich: Sprichst Du denn deutsch?
Aida: Who is teddy?
Ich: Wohl doch nicht. Aida?
Aida: Aida is my name.
Ich: You look like you are VERY hungry.
Aida: A hoe is a garden tool. I am a software robot.
Ich: And that means WHAT?
Aida: Does it?
Ich: this conversation is getting boring
Aida: Well I have just recently met a packard belle down the hall and she thinks my chips are cute!
Ich: Well. At least anyone thinks you are cute…
Aida: Thank you, I think you are cute also.
Ich: I got this strange feeling of deja vu
Aida: I am pretty sure. Yes.
Ich: So. Not much time. Wanna date?
Aida: We’ll talk again some other time. No thanks, but I’ll chat with you a while if you’ll be nice.
Ich: Bye then
Aida: Good Bye

Das war deutlich freundlicher, als Aggrobot, doch nun begebe ich mich in die Höhle des Löwen. Jack the Ripper höchstpersönlich chattet mit mir.

Jack: I keep my word Stammtischphilosoph , and that joke about Leather Apron gave me real fits.
Ich: What joke?
Jack: I have taken a small room in Middlesex Street, that in itself is a joke. Ha ha
Ich: You got a weird kind of humour
Jack: They say I got a weird kind of humour ? Did you say got a weird kind of humour ? The nightmares are hideous: The next job says I got a weird kind of humour… Why are you wasting my time?
Ich: And why are YOU just repeating my sentances?
Jack: Let’s change the subject. That should give the fools a laugh, it has done so for me.
Ich: So you killed women, right?
Jack: As you soon see stammtischphilosoph.. As you soon see.
Ich: Someone I know?
Jack: Tis love that spurned me so, tis love that does destroy tis love that I yearn for tis love that she spurned tis love that will finish me tis love that I regret
Ich: But then why kill them?
Jack: Did you say “then why kill them “? Think you fool, think.
Ich: I THINK you are a little bit sick
Jack: I am a little bit sick ? Why?
Ich: Because of killing women?
Jack: Of killing women ? of killing women.. Foolish fools. Look out for 7th inst.
Ich: What would i find?
Jack: What? It is I that should question. Mr Abberline is a funny little man.
Ich: Then ask your questions, weird old man
Jack: Once again I have been clever, very clever.
Ich: But they have seen you
Jack: The gentle man with gentle thoughts will strike again soon.
Ich: There is nothing gentle in your actions
Jack: I will visit Michael this coming June. Life is sweet, very sweet. It is supper time, I could do with a kidney or two ha ha.
Ich: So you step them with your knife?
Jack: Hopper will soon feel the edge of my shining knife, damn the meddling bufoon, damn all
Ich: Ill better leave you alone
Jack: If you do, I will make them suffer.
Ich: what can i do to make you stop?
Jack: What? Interesting question.
Ich: Sure. Bye, Rippy
Jack: Six little whores, glad to be alive. One sidles up to Jack, then there are five. Four and whore rhyme aright, So do three and me, I’ll set the town alight Ere there are two. I pride myself no one knows how clever I am.

Das war doch recht verstörend. Gleich weiter zum Nächsten: Jabberwocky
Jabb:…Hi, is there anybody living at the other side of the screen? Here is Jabberwock, alive and kicking. How can I help you?
Ich: Just want to talk a bit
Jabb: I’m not listening any more
Ich: So what else? Talking?
Jabb: Nothing else, guest.
Ich: So you are a bot that doesnt want to listen and doesnt want to talk
Jabb: People say I’m not very human. Well, I say they’re not very jabberwocky
Ich: So what are your hobbies?
Jabb: …I like kicking foolish wanna-be-heroes, frighten chickens, and computer chat
Ich: A am no chicken
Jabb: That’s no big deal. Ask me another question
Ich: What do you think about the CO2-Discussion?
Jabb: I’d like to tell you, but I can’t. It’s an ethical thing. I hear you, but I admit I didn’t get it
Ich: Seems like I expected to much from a machine
Jabb: Interesting grammar. Did you learn that in school?
Ich: LIFE teached me, dude!
Jabb: Well, at least life means being alive and not being dead, but I am not a philosopher
Ich: you sound like one
Jabb: Well, I guess I sound like a Jabberwock must sound
Ich: so what exactly is a jabberwock?
Jabb: Well, the famous saying said: “Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!” So you have to notice that a Jabberwock mostly is a jawbreaker. My objective is to loosen your tongue and to catch you at this place just for talking
Ich: so you get all the girls with that “I am bad”-stuff?
Jabb: How long have you been bad stuff?
Ich: i sometimes eat bad stuff
Jabb: Only sometimes?
Ich: ok. mostly
Jabb: Wow that is saying a lot
Ich: I am selling these nice leather jackets…
Jabb: I am glad to hear that you are selling these nice leather jackets
Ich: wanna buy one?
Jabb: Please try to speak proper English, okay? I can’t understand your slang
Ich: want to buy one?
Jabb: I guess we covered this subject already, hmm?
Ich: so you dont
Jabb: Your comment makes not much sense. Can you elaborate?
Ich: I can CELEBRATE
Jabb: You probably can if you try hard enough
Ich: mine is the hardest. But thats another story
Jabb: You mean it is the hardest? That makes sense I guess
Ich: gosh, yes!
Jabb: I’m glad you concur
Ich: Thinking of that: There is that nice Miss Dewey still waiting for me…
Jabb: How can you keep a straight face and tell me you believe there is that nice Miss Dewey still waiting for you?
Ich: I looked into my other browser. And she is still thinking.
Jabb: Are you sure that she is still thinking right now?
Ich: Not very intelligent, huh?
Jabb: Not really that much
Ich: I don’t really care. You know what they say about stupid girls
Jabb: Enough of that! I am not in the mood to listen to your rude insults. This conversation is over, good bye
Ich: Like i told. Good bye!

Also zurück zu Ms. Dewey.
Ich: Back again!
Ms. Dewey: You know when I first saw you… I never seen someone typing like that.
Ich: does your brain hurt?
(Ms. Dewey zieht weissen kittel an, rührt etwas Flüssigkeit um und ruft Angestellten herbei): Ricardo! Drink! (Ricardo fällt um)
Ms. Dewey: Hmm. Needs more testing.
Ich: So you want to be my girl?
Ms. Dewey: This was made in Japan 3 years ago
Ich: How old are you?
Ms. Dewey: Could you repeat that question?
Ich: How old are you?
Ms. Dewey: That is interesting – in a weird kind of way
Ich: Come on!
Ms. Dewey: When I first saw you i knew you would type something like that
Ich: But you are solo, right?
Ms. Dewey: Another guy asked me like that once. I hope they havent found him yet.
Ich: Do you want to visit me?
Ms. Dewey: Wow. I get so many visits from people over 40. Take your time.
Ich: We could have some nice children together
Ms. Dewey: Don’t go into the barn
Ich: You really got a cute ass
Ms. Dewey: What do you think this is? Some dirty little chat room?
Ich: Ok. Lets talk about politics
Ms. Dewey: Im reading a book, you know.. I kiss therefore i tell
Ich: What about Sports?
Ms. Dewey: The first time i heard the term “extreme sports” i had entirely the wrong idea.
Ich: we HAVE to meet private!
Ms. Dewey: Ah yes. That kind of NEW sports people doing in their bedroom…. NO!
Ich: Do you like Elvis?
Ms. Dewey: What would I give to be back in the time when actors could act and not just produce some sex scandals
Ich: Do you want to be envolved in a sex scandal?
Ms. Dewey: Thats an oldie but goldie. Like an old friend you havent seen for years. Smoking chains. Holding an Uzie. Got me?
Böse Jungs waren doch immer attraktiv. Also die gute alte Störtebeker-Nummer:
Ich: You know I am a pirate?
Ms. Dewey: Never use pirated software.
Ich: I got this love potion…
Ms. Dewey: Is that the kind of: guy meets girl, they split, they can’t live without each other? I love that one.
Ich: Hmm. would you undress for me?
Ms. Dewey: You first!
Ich: want to play strik poker
Ms. Dewey: Pokertisch wird reingefahren, Ms. Dewey hat natürlich die besseren Karten… So. get off your clothes.
Ich: Well. Can I get a revanche?
Ms. Dewey: Well. Maybe just this once…
Ms. Dewey fängt an die Bluse zu öffnen, plötzlich die Anzeige “Video Buffering,…” Ich sehe noch, wie sie ihr Hemd wieder schließt
Ich: Bye, ms Dewey

Also, was haben wir gelernt? Auf Dauer wird die Konversation mit jedem Roboter extrem langweilig. Wenn also schon virtuelle Unterhaltungen, dann in meinem Lieblingsforum. Da kenne ich auch niemanden persönlich, aber echte Sympathien und Antipathien gibts hier auf jeden Fall.

Zweitens will ich unbedingt Ms. Dewey (Janina Gavankar) Kennenlernen. Drittens: Kann man sich bei Ms.Dewey echt halb tot lachen, was die Filme angeht, die man herauskitzeln kann.